Cullen Boot Camp
by EdwardAteMyPuppy
Summary: "You think this is fun and games Bird? You may be small, but I assure you half of these big mother *%#@ers are healthier than you are." I wanted to kick him in his shin and lick his face at the same time. Wait, why the hell did he just call me a Bird? –Boot Camp has never been this entertaining. Or sexy. ExB AH, Citrus, Language, and just plain ol' good times!
1. The Reasoning

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I just decided to send them to Boot Camp**

**BPOV**

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this Jakey!" I love the boy more than life itself, but I'm seriously regretting my decision to help him get his life back on track. No I'm not heartless; you just don't understand the situation yet.

I should have known he'd take me up on the offer and then make me regret it later. That's just the way our lives work. Jake pouts, I make him feel better because I'm a pushover, Jake takes advantage and makes me do something that's so far out of my comfort zone it's like sleeping on nail beds, and then I plot my revenge. This usually involves an insane amount of hours watching Friends reruns and playing card games.

The circle that is my life.

Jacob and I have been tighter than spandex since we were wee little lads. Our dads have been best friends since the Dark Ages and both of our moms were sluts. Together. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently they had been butchin' it up behind our fathers' backs for years until they decided they didn't want to hide in their 'closets with too many flannels' anymore. They left together when I was 6 and Jake was 4. Last I heard they moved to Florida where Jakey's mom was signed on as a professional Softball player for The Beavers. No Joke.

"Oh come on Bellspalsy, it's just one week and it's going to be so worth it just you wait and see! We are going to be some sexy ass bitches. We should go to the club afterwards! Oh could I borrow that green…" I smacked him in the titty before he could finish that sentence.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I shrieked, "If you call me that one more time Jake I swear to all that is NSYNC that I will turn this car around and burn all of your Cher memorabilia!"

Ever since a fucking Pineapple decided to allergically attack me, which resulted in paralysis of the right side of my face for a full day last week, the Dickwad started calling me Bellspalsy aka Bell's Palsy.

What the fuck ever, I'm sure you caught that.

Actually, he started calling me that after he doped me up on Benadryl and convinced me to go Go-Cart riding with him stating that "All the other Bitches wouldn't dare pass me because I looked like Rocky" and "No one would try and pass up Motha' Fuckin' Rocky."

I ended up in last place but was rewarded with pictures that looked like I was doing a permanent left turn at 100 mph. I secretly like them. They make me look like Sandra Bullock from Speed.

Jake put his hands up in surrender. Damn right bitch. "I'm just trying to make you feel better Bella. I really appreciate you doing this for me. You're the bestest bitch a guy like me could ask for."

He looked my way and gave me his patented cheesy smile and wink. Only it was a little different than it used to be considering the extra chin that was involved. I bit back my smile because he was so damned cute, even with his extra baggage. Now don't get me wrong, Jakey isn't extremely overweight or anything, but after walking in on his main squeeze, Paul, dropping anchor in someone else's anal bay he got really depressed. Which ended up with him eating way too much and moving around way too little. It happens, no judgment. Coincidentally I do the same thing every fucking day, I've just been blessed with a metabolism that's faster than a Kenyan.

He's gained around 20lbs, a second chin, a beer belly, and has lost a ridiculous amount of self-esteem. It has hurt so bad to see him go through this. When he first told me what happened I wanted nothing more than to bitch slap that big ass douche like I did to Seth Clearwater the time he told Jake he caught 'Butt-to-Nutt-Syndrome' from his mom when he was born. Which looking back didn't even make sense because his mom had 'Front-Butt to Sausage-Hutt Syndrome'. That resulted in getting my ass handed to me by Seth's older and much larger sister, Leah. I tried to run away from the She-Man, but I've always been vertically challenged and had weak ankles. Needless to say I've learn to choose my battles wisely.

"Aw Jakey, you're my bestest bitch too." I was starting to feel all sentimental and shit until a sign on the road reminded me where the fuck I was heading.

"You know I'd do anything for you, but come the fuck on! You don't even need to lose that much weight. You have a shit load of muscle beneath that chocolaty comforter you've been hiding under the last month. Let's turn around and go eat some salads and do jumping jacks in the privacy of our own homes. I'll even join a gym! Treadmills are safer for me Jakey, much, much safer! I'm going to make an ass out of myself. I can't even do a push-up!" I'm very aware I sound like a petulant child, but I don't like making a fool out of myself, and I know that's exactly what will happen this week.

I caught Jake's hand midair when he was about to dish out his own titty smack. "I'm not having a panic attack this time Jacob, I'm just trying to talk you out of this death sentence that you have inflicted upon me."

"Oh quit being such a drama queen. That's my job." He said with another chubby wink. This time I couldn't hold back my grin. Luckily he thought it was for his lame ass comment.

"Look I know you avoid exercise like the plague and can't walk more than twenty feet without endangering yours or someone else's life, but this will be good for us. Alice told me she lost 15lbs her first week here! Guys usually lose weight faster than women, which means, in exactly one week I can drop all this weight I gained and be me again!" And that is the why I agreed to attend this Boot Camp with him. I suddenly felt bad for giving him such a hard time.

"Listen Jakey," I grabbed his hand tightly. "I'm sorry for trying to talk you out of this. I'm just nervous. I'm also sorry for letting my inner fat girl encourage your outer one by ordering take-out every night the last few weeks and parading Ben and Jerry's Schweady Balls in your face. I know you can't resist Schweady Balls." I raised my hand in the air like the Statue of Liberty to make the end of my speech as grand as possible. "And since I have played a part in adding to your baggage I shall help you unpack it!" He grabbed my hand and put it back on the wheel.

"Jesus your cheesy as fuck, and keep both hands on the wheel, I don't want to have a double chin in an open casket if we die."

Five minutes later another sign told me to pull into a creepy as fuck gravel driveway. The trees on either side of us were so thick it made it look ten o'clock at night when really it was only a quarter till 5. Almost dinner time in fact. _Mmmm dinner time_. I just realized I'm hungry as hell.

I was driving for what felt like ages at the suggested speed of 10mph. Ok I was really going 5mph. Sure I've come to terms with this whole ordeal but I'm gonna drag the fuck out of my last few minutes of sanity. After a few more minutes with no signs of life besides a squirrel I tried to run over with Jake cheering me on and threatening the damn thing, don't worry I missed, Jake started to get worried.

"Bellsy I feel like we're in that movie Wrong Turn. Maybe we should pull over and I'll call Ali to make sure we're going the right way." I looked over and noticed his chin was jiggling from the nervous clenching of his jaw and he was starting to sweat.

"Jake we're fine. You know this camp is out in the middle of the sticks, I'm sure it's not too much farther ahead." Truth is I'm starting to get freaked the fuck out myself. I can almost feel the crossed-eyes of deformed hillbilly's watching us and waiting for me to run right over that spiked strip they have laid out somewhere ahead. They're probably discussing who was going to get the white or dark meat after they skin us alive. There is no way in hell I'm telling Jakey that though. You don't want to encourage a drama queen right?

Finally there was a break in the trees and I could see a huge ass sign hanging across the drive that lead up to the scariest looking lodge I've ever seen in all my youth. "Welcome to Cullen Boot Camp." Jake and I said in unison. How the fuck am I going to survive this week?

**Soooo what do you guys think?! Let me know. First I'd like to say that I am in no way shape or form against homosexuality. My bestest friend is gay which is where I get my inspiration for Jakey here. It is not my intention to make fun of people who are overweight either considering I use to be 70 lbs overweight. Now I'm only 20lbs overweight ;) So I think this helps me kind of make fun of myself in parts. Anyways, This is strictly for comedy and is not meant to offend anyone. I'm not sure how often I will be posting or how many chapters the story will be. I think we should just sit back and enjoy the ride yes? I've read that reviews are like cookies, and my inner/outer fat girl loves cookies. Help a girl out! Thanks!**


	2. The First Impressions

**I appreciate the response I've gotten so far! Sorry if the wait has been to long for some of you, but I just didn't want to force a chapter out. I had to let it come to me. Kind of like a scared kitty in a tree. **

**This chapter picks up right where we left off. Let's see what our friends get into now shall we? Welp here we go!**

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own any of these awesome possum characters, just their new personalities, looks, and attitudes. **

**BPOV**

"Okay this is the scariest and tackiest mother-fucking building I have ever seen. Seriously, is this a boot camp or one of those old rundown insane asylums? I can just picture a fuck ton of nurses coming outside to greet us with a huge amount of smiles and Valume before they show us to our rooms where they proceed to tie us down and tell us our names are really Ben and Sally and we've been here for the last four years and our families will come visit next Sunday."

"Jake shut the fuck up your scaring me." I had to fight back goose pimples at the picture he just painted. I've always had a problem with my imagination getting the better of me and it doesn't help that he added his creepy as hell two-cents when I have to sleep in this place for the next week. I wonder if we can share a bed. On second thought I'll just try and bunk with Alice. Last time Jakey and I shared a bed was after his 15th birthday and we considering bumping uglies. This was in fact before I was told he thought he was gay, but was more attracted to me after Lauren Mallory put a fuck-ton of gum in my hair and I had to get a womanly bull-cut. Yes those exist. You should see my Aunt Theresa. _Shutter_. Needless to say, it didn't work out and I was scarred for a good two years by his peen. Seriously, I didn't lose my v-card for two whole fucking years because all I could think about when the discussion of sex came up was a huge-ass itchy bush and a thick floppy _thing_ bumpin'-and-a-grindin'.

Anywhooo.

Jakey and I were still in the car, still a good 30 yards away from said lodge, and still parked right underneath the sign that will more than likely be in next week's ' Fork's Fortunes Newspaper' to announce the horrible tragedy that will be my death. _Le sigh._

"Come on Bellspalsy just pull forward. I'll bust a cap in anyone that looks at you with even a hint of smile on their face." I let the name slide this time. Next time I'm gonna twat-swat him. Yes, his penis is a twat in my opinion. It makes it easier to let him see me naked if I don't think about him having a 9mm in his cargo hold. I'm sure it's bigger than that but I digress.

I gave him my best stink-eye while pulling off the brake to roll forward. I wasn't going to step on the gas pedal though. I figure since we're out in nature, we might as well let it take its course. After a good two minutes of being lost in Bella land and creepy crawling towards the creepy building, a honk came from behind me. My mind immediately went to the cross-eyed hillbillies and my foot slammed on the gas to get away from the mother fuckers, which in turn, caused me to peel out like I had a need for speed, and made a group of huge ass men run out of the scary ass lodge.

I vaguely heard Jakey screech like he just saw Lance Bass or Josh Grobin before I let out my own "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" I couldn't decide whether to keep speeding forward to get away from whoever it was behind me or slam on my brakes to prevent me from getting closer to the Black Ops team in front of me. It seemed the brakes won out and I slammed on them.

After my precious Camaro did this fun little back tire spin out where smoke and rocks flew towards all directions of life in the immediate area, we finally came to a stop. Jake was still screeching but all I could do was stare at the crowd that had gathered by the front doors. I knew something like this would happen. I can't go anywhere without making the worse first impression possible.

A slap on the window and the unmistakable laughter of a pixie tore my gaze away from the group in front.

"Jesus fuck Alice you scared the shit out of me. Was that you back there?!"

"Oh my god! That was the best entrance ever! I hope Jasper has the security cameras running; we could use that for future commercials. Totally bad ass." She was clutching her stomach from laughing so hard. At me. That pissed me off.

"Sorry Alice I can't hear anything your saying, my window is up. What? I'm just going to go park my car now. Okay, bye!" Denial is my best friend. If I don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen.

"Hey let me out here, I want to walk up with Ali." Jake said while opening his door. I sped off before he could get out.

"Oh no you don't bitch. Everyone already saw you in the car with me, and you are not going to make me face them all by myself."

"So fucking embarrassing." I heard him mumble under his breath.

"You're fucking embarrassed?! Jake I literally just shit my pants in front of the military because a 4'9" chick in a Prius honked at me. If anyone is embarrassed it's me." He gave me a sympathetic smile and a pat on my knee.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I talked you into this, the least I could do is ride up there with you with our heads held high."

Yeah that's right, I had the best friend in the whole wide world. He will bust caps in bitches for me and take a walk of shame with me as well.

Right when we were about to pass the group of "Men I shall not look at" Jake pulled the fucking lever on his seat and laid straight back.

"Hey you piece of shit!" I yelled looking over to him. Incidentally, Jakey had his window rolled down so all the big mother fuckers thought I was yelling at them and looked at me like I had a death wish. I floored it the rest of the way to the parking lot while Jake laughed hysterically.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000

"So, these are the sleeping quarters. The girls are in the right wing and the boys are in the left. Each room has 4 bunks." Alice was giving me and Jakey the grand tour after she found me huddled behind the lodge after I booked it out of my car like I was in Grand Theft Auto running from the Po-Po's. I smell Bacon I smell Pork, run little Piggies I got a Fork. I have no idea why dodging wannabe military men made me feel so rebellious but it did. I felt empowered. Like I could rob a bank and get away with it.

"Ali, where are you sleeping at? Can I sleep with you? This place gives me the heebie jeebies." I asked while giving her my best puppy dog eyes. Yes I have those, and they work almost every time. I'm like Puss-In-Boots, but the dog version. And female.

"We have our own cute little rooms in a building on the opposite side of the lodge. Jazzy let me decorate them this season. The boys' rooms are decked out in blue and green camo, and the girls' are pink and purple camo. How cute is that?!" Since Alice is an instructor at the camp along with her husband, two brothers, and sister-in-law they each get their own rooms. I asked why she never shared a room with her hubby and I guess her brother would not allow "fraternization at his camp!" To which I was like "what the fuck ever, you guys are married. Besides it's not his camp it's your family camp." I've never met her brother before because he just moved here a few months ago from Chicago to help his family 'rejuvenate' their boot camp and bring in more customers or whatever the fuck we're called. Anyways, from all the stories I've heard, he sounds like a real gem. Cue sarcasm.

"Perfect so I can sleep with you right? You know how scared I am of the dark. I bet a bajillion dollars bitches in here won't let me use my Buggs Bunny night light." Alice was nodding her head before I finished my sentence.

"Of course you can, but I can't show favoritism so no one can know. You'll have to pretend to sleep in here and sneak back and forth." Fuck yes , I can do that. Did she not see the tuck-&-roll shit I just did from my car earlier? Pure gold.

"I can do that Ali! I'll be so quiet I'll be like… uh, oh god, I'll just be really quiet." I trailed off. _Face-Palm_. I should never let my over-confidence leak out into conversations.

"Oh gosh Bells, I wish I could be that quiet." Jake snickered. I titty smacked him.

"What about you Jake, do you wanna slumber it up in our party?" Alice asked.

"No thanks, I prefer sleeping with men. Literally." Cue jiggly smirk/wink. So gosh darn cute.

"Okay guys. Oh this is going to be so much fun! Just you wait and see. Bella I've already got a schedule planned for you. Since body-fat obviously isn't your issue and nutrition and muscle mass is, that is what we will be concentrating on." I was trying really hard not to be offended. "And Jake," she continued. "We have lots of cardio planned for you. Edward will be handling most of your regimen, but since I knew you personally in your before and after picture, I told him that you have a shit load of muscle underneath your memory foam." She finished with some patty-cake to his tummy.

"Hey Bitch, why did you just call it memory foam?" Jake screeched. Seriously, he does that way too much. The screeching.

"Because Jakey, it is foam. Fat foam… caused by bad, awful, and sad memories." She told him.

I nodded sympathetically. It made sense really.

Just then a loud as fuck fog horn blew.

"Jesus fuck, I'm going to shove that thing up his ass. That would be Edward letting us know it's time for introductions and dinner, let's go."

"Fuck yes, dinner!" I fist pumped the air.

"Bella don't do that, this isn't the Jersey Shore." Jake reprimanded.

I got in his face and bounced back and forth on the balls of my feet. "Eh Feck you, you two-timin slut ball."

"Was that your Jersey accent?" He asked in horror. I nodded.

"Please don't ever attempt that in public again. And that insult wouldn't even make sense to a Guido. "

"Fuck you Jake, I don't even watch Jersey Shore. I just do the best with what I got, which most of the time ends up being pure fucking genius. Sometimes however, it doesn't pan out. The odds are still in my favor. I'm not even making sense lets go fucking eat." I hooked one arm in Alice's and the other in Jake's and we pranced like the little fairies we were towards what I officially dubbed The Scary Ass Lodge.

**Alright so that's the end of Chapter 2! What do ya'll think? I'm going to keep on writing right now cuz I'm definitely in a "zone". But please feel free to review and comment and give fun ideas/ opinions. Thanks for reading guys!**


	3. The Introductions

**The chapters should start getting longer now and I should be able to update more often as well. I've been crazy busy studying for a State Certification test. But I totes took it and totes passed! Alright let's get cracka lackin' shall we?!**

**DISCLAIMER:**** Stephanie Meyer owns my best friends and the love of my life. **

**BPOV:**

I managed to trip only 2 times while we pranced to The Scary Ass Lodge. We were currently gathered in a circle in the dining hall, and I could smell the delicious aroma of greasy goodness. Which is kind of confusing given where we were, but hey, I aint gonna complain.

Jake and I were next to each other in the circle and there were about 6 other people with us that weren't the instructors. Luckily, the Black Ops team from earlier were just vacating the premises. Alice's brother Edward helps prep guys before they join the army and junk. That is ridiculously sexy in my opinion. Yeah, you think so too.

While Jakey and I were goofing off with a fun game of Rock, Paper, Scissor kick to the balls, Alice walked to the front of the room along with her family. Among them was the newest addition that I assumed was Edward.

Edward. Oh god.

He owes me a new pair of panties.

Tight black muscle shirt, bulging biceps, and perky pecks (In a totally masculine way of course). He's like a childhood G.I. Joe doll brought to life by a desperate housewife. He has army green cargo shorts and calves that could knock out a sailor. Toned and tanned with beautiful bronze hair pulled back by a black bandana. Top it all off with aviators and you've got the reason why Jakey is slapping my jaw shut and wiping drool off my bottom lip.

"Holy fuck-face Jakey, do you see that?" I say while pushing his hand away.

"It's hard to concentrate past your monologue there Bellsy."

My face immediately heats up. "I wasn't saying that shit out loud was I?"

"You weren't really saying anything, it was like a long ass grunt and groan mixed together. Kinda like the noises you make when you got the shits." He whispers back to me.

"Fucking Jake you're so lucky you didn't say that shit out loud. And I didn't have the shits, I was constipated." Fuck, apparently I wasn't as quiet as Jakey here.

All eyes snapped to me on the last word.

"Constipated?" Yep that's the one.

"Excuse me?" I ask the hefty blonde chick to my right. She's looking at me like I don't belong here. Well your damn right about that lady. I should be in my double-wide frying up some chicken and eating a carton of Ben & Jerry's. Just kidding, I don't really have a double wide. I do have an apartment though. Quite spacious if I may say so myself.

"Did you just say that you're constipated?" She asks with a cocked-bitch brow. Bitch don't know I invented that look. Ok probably not, but mine is so much more bitchy than hers.

I cock it right back at her, and twitch it a couple times for good measure.

"Your eye ok Bells?" Jake whispers. I ignore him.

"No I did not say that I'm constipated." _Scoff _"I said I was compensated, for uh… all the hard work I did for my dear friend Jake." Oh god, that sounded so hookerish. I didn't falter though. I looked to Jakey to make sure he was nodding in agreement. He was. Good bitch. Lots of bitchiness up in here.

"Why? Are you constipated? Did you want to trade sympathy stories?" I asked with a smirk. She was about to counter-attack before Mr. Sex Meat himself stepped forward.

"Okay! Enough of the childish banter." He said in a gruff, rough, deep, sex-operator voice. Fuck I need to get laid.

I eye him warily when he looks pointedly at me and Seductress Muffin-Top over yonder. She's standing right across from me and is basically humping G.I. Joe's leg with her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Edward, I was just concerned for her health." She bats her overly made-up eyelashes at him.

"Edward? I'm sorry I don't believe we've met Mrs…" He asks.

"Loree, Miss Loree Hidalgo." She sticks her hand out for a shake. He doesn't give it to her. He stares at it for a second before responding.

"Well 'Miss' Hidalgo, I do not recall ever giving you permission to use my first name and seeing as this is a formal setting and I am considered your superior at MY camp, I suggest that you address me as such." He turns with a flourish to address the remaining of our group.

"Now, you all will address me as Sergeant Cullen or Sergeant. Nothing else. You will do as I say without question or argument. If there is any back talk there will be severe punish…"

"WHOA OKAY Guys!" Alice quickly interrupts Edwa… I mean Sergeant. Which is a good thing, considering we are all staring at him with mouths gaping and shocked eyes. I'm sure some for different reasons than others. My reason being that his dominating self has me all kinds of hot and bothered. And pissed off. Anywho, by his little spiel I'd say that this Boot Camp is sounding far more intense that what I signed up for.

"My brother Edward here is sooo just kidding." She looked back at him for what I assume was confirmation. He didn't give any. If anything he looked like he wanted to boot her in the face.

"So yes, you'll have to forgive him. He just moved here from a training base in Chicago. Still a little intense, but productive. Yes only the best for you. How about we start with introductions!" Alice quickly took over the situation, thank you Jesus, and settled our fears.

I chanced another glance at Sergeant McHotty and caught him starting right back at me. Ha just kidding. I don't really know if he is considering the Aviators blocking the view of what I assume are bedroom eyes. His face is in my direction though.

I sway my head side to side to see if his face will follow. It doesn't. I look behind me to see if anyone is there. There isn't. So I decide to check one last way by jumping behind Jake then back to my original spot.

"If you're not here to take this seriously, I suggest you leave right now." A low gruff voice warns right when I'm behind Jakey.

I peeked over Jakey's shoulder to see who he was talking to.

G.I. Joe now had his aviators off, and his angry green eyes were trained on me with furrowed sexy eye-brows. His brows should have a name of their own. Like Corporal or Private. Ah yes! The Privates. Perfecto!

A throat clearing breaks me out of my reverie. Oh yes I should probably answer him.

I sneaked another glance behind me. You know, just in case.

"I'm talking to you short-stuff!" He barks. Mother fucker _was_ looking at me that whole time.

"Sir yes sir!" I throw in a salute to boot. "Of course I take this seriously. I just had something in my hair and then I thought maybe it dropped down the back of my shirt. When I didn't feel it anymore I thought just to be sure, I should bounce that shit right out. Could've been a spider, you know?"

"I knew she was constipated. That's why she's bouncing around like that." Whorey Loree snickered. I'm gonna kick that girl's ass.

Sarge was still looking at me with a raised Private. I snorted in laughter at that thought and then he raised his other Private. _Oh fuck._ I managed to withhold my other snort.

Then I figured he was waiting for me to finish. Maybe military talk was like Morse-Code or some shit and only ended with a word of respect. So I topped my excuse off with a very respectful "Sir."

He was about to speak again before my savior and soon to be lover Alice came to my rescue. Ok I won't really make her my next lover, but I will smooch the shit out of her for this civil duty!

"Alright yes, Introductions. How about we start with our Instructors. First I would love to welcome you all to Cullen Boot Camp. We all come here for the same exact reasons. To become a better us. I can tell you from experience, that if you put in the work and take the programs seriously, you will see productive results before you leave on Saturday morning. I had my first child 9 months ago and lost my last 15lbs here in one week." The crowd broke out into applause.

I gave a damn good wolf whistle while we were at it.

"Thank you, thank you" She continued. "My name is Mary Alice, but you all can just call me Alice. I will be your Nutritionist and Counselor this week. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. My husband Jasper is the eyes of the camp and makes sure all rules are obeyed. He also instructs the Krav Mgaw class. Next we have my beautiful sister-in-law Rosalie and her husband, my brother, Emmett. Rosalie will be our Yoga instructor and Emmett will be in Weight/Strength Training." Rosalie's face didn't change expressions through the whole introduction but Emmett started flexing his muscles for all to see.

Rosalie comes off as a bitch, but I'm fortunate enough to know most of the instructors from my everyday life. So, I know she doesn't only come off as a bitch, but she really is one. I still love her though. We tight like bung-holes. Emmett is the funniest fucker I know as well. We go way back to last year. He hit me with his car outside of my work. Don't worry, I only suffered minor injuries.

He felt so bad he took me directly to his father, who was in the middle of an ultrasound for Alice's baby. The rest is as they say, history.

"Then we have my brother Edward, who will be doing Cardio and Circuit Training." She proceeded to introduce the cooks, one of which is Mommy Dearest Esme. Woman can cook, I tell you what. Then the Boot Camp doctor, Doctor Sexy himself, Carlisle.

"Alright now that we're done with the staff, how about we go in a circle and you can introduce yourselves. Let's do name, age, occupation, and reason for coming." I'm pretty sure I heard Sergeant Sex groan. _Sexy ass groan, but rude as hell._ Why does he have to be such an ass?

"You there, let's start with you." She pointed to a hella tall Strawberry Blonde.

"Hi." _What the fuck?!_ Everyone did a double-take as soon as she spoke. I kid you not, it sounds like Darth Vader himself is doing a voice-over for this broad.

She clears her throat self-consciously then continues, in a still deep as fuck but less raspy voice.

"My name is Tanya, I am 26 years old, and I'm a softball coach at UDUB."

"Called it!" Jakey whispers to me. I put my hand behind my back for him to high-five while trying not to snicker. No we're not bitches, we just have super-duper good Gaydar. Hello, did you forget about our mothers. Or Jakey for that matter?

"I decided to come to Cullen Boot Camp because after a serious break-up with one of my team members I got really depressed and lost some muscle mass. I just want a fast way to bulk up you know man?" She finished.

I just want to point out that she probably wasn't supposed to be dating a team-member. But I digress.

Everyone gave an awkward "Hi Tanya" before we moved on to Jessica.

"Hi my name is like, Jessica and I am 22 years old. I work at Starbucks and make like, killer frappachinos. I decided to come here because last weekend was my birthday and I totes gained like 3lbs when my friend Sydney, who has obviously always been jelly of me. I mean I can't help it if my hair is just naturally thicker and shinier than hers. I always knew she wanted to sabotage me somehow, to make herself feel better. Anyways, we were at my party doing Cherry Jello-Shots out of like, actual shot glasses, not the gross paper kind and she totally got me drunk enough to eat two cupcakes. TWO!" She finished with a shriek. She was staring wide-eyed at our group while trying to get her breathing under-control.

I'm pretty sure everyone had the same look of horror on their faces. Then I let out the loudest unlady-like snort that echoed off the walls. I'm pretty sure I heard a much more manly snort from the front of the room too, but I couldn't be sure.

Jessica gave me a Valley-Girl evil eye before looking to her right. Which brought us to Mike. Mike was weighing in at 250lbs that did not include muscle weight and just had a divorce. Next was Tyler the line-backer who just wanted to have some fun on his week of vacation. I definitely gave him the biggest "WTF" look I could muster, while El Capitan aka Sarge gave him a look of approval. _Scoff._

I completely ignored what Muffin-Top Loree was saying so I can't tell you what her backstory is. Only that the entire time she was talking she was staring right at Sergeant Sexy. I couldn't tell if he noticed because his shades were in place.

I wonder if he wore those to mask his emotions. Perhaps he needs a session with Alice.

Next there was Paul who was kind of a scrawny guy. He is here to get in shape for a Ninja Warrior contest he's going to enter. I have no idea what that is, but good luck to the man.

Then we were to Jake.

"Hi, um, my name is Jacob. I am 22 years old and I'm a mechanic. I came here because I lost sight of who I was for the last month and got into a bad habit of binge eating. I've always been a healthy guy who loved to work out. I've just had a setback, so I'm hoping to get back on the right path."

My applause for that bitch was definitely the loudest. I'm so proud of him! I gave him a big ol' hug and when I looked up G.I. Joe was scowling at me. At least his mouth was.

Then it was time for yours truly.

"What up ya'll? My name is Isabella, but I prefer Bella so call me that. Ah wait, fuck, really don't call me Isabella. I'm just going to restart ok?" I shake out my limbs and bounce a little before I go again.

"Hola everyone! My name is Bella and I just turned 24 years old. Yes I know, I'm oldy poldy. Anyways, I am a journalist in the quaint little town of Forks. I like long walks on the beach with Jakey here, and spend my lonely nights tuckered down reading Mystery Erotica. It's spooky and sexy. Quite the adrenaline rush." My applause was sparse but I couldn't care less. I was getting impatient because I was the last person to go and my stummy is a grumbly.

"Well, you're supposed to tell us why you're here. Do you even know why you're here?" Sergeant getting on my fucking nerves asks.

"Yeah, why the hell are you here, you're like anorexic skinny." Loree comments.

"Listen bitch! You wanna dance, I'll dance on your face!" I yell at her while two-steppin my way in a small circle.

Her eyes widen before my Pixie once again intervenes on my behalf.

"Okay, we all know that skinny does not mean healthy. We all have our reasons; let's give Bella here a chance to explain."

"Well fuck, the reason I am here is to support my best bitch Jakey." I explain.

"So you aren't here to better yourself. You're just wasting our oxygen and our god damn time!" Sarge hollers.

"No fucker! I'm also here because I have poor eating habits and low muscle mass!" Thank you Alice for your earlier insults. "Now I don't know about all of you guys but I'm hungry as fuck. Can we eat dinner yet?"

Edward looks like he's about ready to charge and murder me right here in this Scary Ass Lodge. I'll definitely haunt him if he does. But before he can take a step forward, salvation comes from a back room.

"Alright all, now that we're settled how about we eat some supper! We've got quite the selection tonight!" Esme yells cheerily.

Jakey and I fist bump and I shoot one last glare at Sergeant Fuck-Wad. If he thinks I'm intimidated by him, dudes got another thing coming.

**Alrighty, that's the end of Chapter 3. Thoughts/concerns/opinions? Come on give it to me! Sorry if there is any spelling or grammar errors that irritate you. I combed through it as much as I could, but I don't know if my keen eye has caught everything. See you guys soon! **


	4. The First Night

**I hope to reply to all your reviews from last chapter as soon as possible. I love hearing all you guys have to say **

**DISCLAIMER: ****Stephanie Meyer owns my crew.**

**BPOV**

I leaned back in my seat after letting out a much needed belch. Looking over to Emmett with a smirk, we both released a contented sigh and the button of our jeans simultaneously.

Dinner was so much more than I expected. As were the extra groups of people that entered the dining hall after Esme called for supper.

Apparently there are three more additional groups of 6 that had been here previously as well as a few more instructors that were out back doing their own little reunion thingy. Our group has been dubbed as "The Newbs" aka the newbies. That's why we got the special introductory.

I'm currently seated at a table with four very large men; Emmett, Jake, Mike, and Tyler. I wanted to sit with Alice, but she's sitting with all of the instructors and our connections cannot be made known in case a tubby cries favoritism.

Esme had really outdone herself. Aside from the heart healthy foods such as leaves, water, roots, and more leaves, there was a large plethora or pastas, bread, burgers, and pizza. Yeah, I'll give you three seconds to guess what's on my plate. Or should I say, what _was_ on my plate.

After eating a plate of deliciousness that rivaled the weight of Emmett's dinner, I'm beyond stuffed.

"Jeez Belly-B, I forgot you could pack it away like that. Seriously, does your food come out as whole as it goes in?" Emmett joked.

I gave him a disgusted look because really, that's a disgusting question.

"Emmy please do not discuss food coming back out when it's already pushing up my esophagus." I whined.

"For real though Bellsy," Jake said "We're supposed to be watching what we eat and the first chance you get, you choose a meal that could cause a carb induced coma."

"Oh you with your Caesar salad and your lemon water, how about you get off your high-horse!" I yelled at him. "Just because I'm starting to get fit doesn't mean I have to change the way I eat, if anything it means I can eat more! We both know burning off calories won't look good on me."

He just snorted at me and looked away.

Bella: 1 Jakey: 0.

I was still rubbing my stummy when I looked over to Alice's table. She had been getting up every now and again, walking around all of the tables where people were eating at. Right now though, she's sitting on Jasper's lap and having what looked like a heated conversation with Sergeant Sex.

I really need to brush up on my lip reading skills.

I took a second to admire him. He really was a fine specimen. Honestly, if he never spoke a word other than ones that were preapproved by myself, he'd be beyond perfect. They should prototype him for a sex-machine. I'd pay big bucks for that. Yeah, so would you.

Just as I was about to look away, his eyes met mine. They narrowed a tiny bit. I narrowed mine right back. We weren't glaring at each other. Nope, this was something different, like we were trying to figure one another out.

Then his eyes seemed to roam over my face before they settled on my lips. I licked my bottom one in response.

His gaze shot back up to mine and locked there for a moment.

This little staring game was getting me all kinds of hot and bothered. It was heated, and just a little bit awkward considering our last encounter.

Then Alice decided to whisper something in his ear and the spell was broken.

He got up from his seat and started walking towards me. My eyes widened and I looked back to Alice. She was staring right at me and giving me a pointed look. I don't know if she was trying to say "You should try to hump my brother" or "I know you want to hump my brother".

Either way, it sounded good to me.

I looked back at Sergeant Sex just as he was rounding my table. Jakey nudged me with his elbow but I ignored him.

Edward leaned across the table and brought his lips up to my ear.

"Isabella." He whispered. His deep rough voice and hot breath ghosted across my ear and down my neck, causing me to squirm in my seat.

I could hear his saliva pop when he smirked. _Asswipe_.

"Yes?" I replied. It came out far more hoarse and quiet than I intended. I don't even know if he heard it.

G.I. Joe pulled back to look me in the face. His eyes flickered down to my lips, then my unbuttoned pants, then once again meeting my eyes.

_Well that's mildly embarrassing._

He then leaned into my ear again and his hot breath caused my flesh to erupt in goosebumps.

"You have some pasta sauce on your chin." He finally whispered in a raspy voice. Chuckling lightly before pulling back, he grabbed a napkin and placed it in my hand.

"Maggots." He acknowledged the guys before walking up to the front of the dining hall.

I was still staring at my palm, which was all tingly, before I realized what the hell just happened.

My gaze snapped up to look at Jakey and that douche was trying desperately to hold back his laughter.

"What the fuck was that?!" I whisper shouted at him.

"You've got a little somethin' somethin'." Jakey snickered before grabbing the napkin and wiping off my chin.

"Oh, can you guys check my face too? Rosie hates it when I get sauce on her." Emmett asked.

After wiping off his cheek, neck, and the front of his shirt Jakey dubbed him good to go.

"Alright guys, in case you weren't clever enough to figure this out on your own, tonight was a test." Sergeant bellowed.

"I win!" I yelled while jumping out of my seat.

"Fuck that I ate more than you did Bells, I win!" Emmett jumped up next to me.

"No way! If you factor in size to portion I demolished your ass! Right Sergeant?!" I looked at him expectantly.

Sarge looked like he was trying to glare holes into my skull. I put my hand to my forehead for protection. This caused my shirt to ride up.

Sarge looked down towards my belly then Emmett's. With a teasing smile he spoke. "First of all Emmett, you should already know what kind of fucking test this is. Second of all, you guys might want to button your pants."

Cue round of laughter from asshole onlookers.

Emmy and I sat down after being properly put in our place.

I tried to button my pants, I think I need another few minutes.

"As i was saying, according to my dear sister Alice, by witnessing your disgusting eating habits, we will be better equipped to help you curb your appetites for all this shit, and teach you the right way of eating." He gestured to the lot of delicious carbs.

"In my opinion, we should just tell you what the hell you're supposed to eat, and if you don't listen we work the shit out of you until you realize it's just easier to do as we say." His opinion was met with complete silence.

"Lucky for you, I'm not the nutritionist. Alice is. With that said, here she is." He grunted and gestured to Ali who was prancing up to the front.

We all lightly applauded her. Because we love her and are completely grateful to have her in charge of this area instead of him.

"Ok, this part will be slightly embarrassing, but I promise that it will be worth it in the end. This method has worked every time we get a new group into the Boot Camp. Now most of you have done this before so I will only be calling up the new camp members. One by one you will come up and you will give us a list of what you had for dinner and why before you throw your plate away." As you can imagine, this was met with a lot of groans.

Not from me. I'm quite proud that I can put it away with the best of them.

Jakey was called up first who proudly listed off his leafy goodness and citrusy water before getting nods of approval and sitting back down.

"Now, I understand you want to lose weight and eat healthy, but a man of your stature and with the work-out regimen that you require, you're going to need carbs and protein in your diet. A side salad is fine, but make sure you get a steak or something as well. It's all about portion control." Edward said to Jake.

I called him Edward this time because he was speaking like a human-being. Human Edward sounds a bit sweet. And looks as sexy as Sergeant Edward. _Score!_

Jake nodded in return before Alice went through the others one by one.

Jessica had an apple and some sparkling water for dinner. Sergeant told her she was an apple away from anorexia and prescribed her daily sessions with Alice. Eating-disorders are not something he takes lightly. I gave him a mental high-five.

After Tyler had given a very detailed report of his foods and the purposes of said foods which included carbs for cardio, Gatorade for electrolytes, and _yada-yada-yada,_ I was called up.

Making it a point to button my pants before standing, I stared right at Sergeant Sex while I was walking up. I stood in front of Alice while holding my empty plate and gave the list of my dinner.

"First I had a plate of Spaghetti. Why did I choose spaghetti you ask? Simply because if Esme makes spaghetti, you eat it. It's far too delicious to let go to waste. On the side I had three slices of garlic bread, because garlic bread is my favorite. Last but not least, I had two slices of pizza and a large glass of coke." I threw my plate away with a flourish and turned to face Sarge for my reprimendation. Yes that's a word. I'm almost positive about that.

"Did you have extra sauce with your spaghetti?" He asks.

I glare at him before not so subtly wiping at my chin quickly.

Smirking he continues on.

"Although I agree with your statement about Esme's spaghetti, I have to say that your eating habits not only scare me, but gross me out. You almost ate a quarter of your weight in food tonight and I'm going to take a wild guess and say that that is a daily occurrence for you. Am I right?"

I didn't answer.

"YES!" Jakey yells from his seat. He is so getting a titty-twister later.

I narrow my eyes while Sarge smirks in triumph.

"With that said, you will have all of your meals preplanned by yours truly and have daily sessions with Alice on healthy eating. You're dismissed."

I gave him a middle-finger salute before skipping past him, smacking Jakey on the back of the head, and going through the Dining Hall doors into the outside world.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000

"Aw, come on Bellsy, I wasn't trying to throw you under the bus, I'm just trying to help you get the most out of this experience."

Jake and I were sitting on my bunk after Alice gave us a tour of her cute little room. Apparently I'm supposed to share my room with Whoree Loree, Jessica, and some chick named Angela that I have yet to meet. I asked Jessica about the night light. By the look she gave me it's safe to say that it's not happening. Oh well. I still have plan B.

"I know Jake, honestly its fine. The session with Alice lets me get out of more daily exercise and I get to spend time with her. It's a win-win.

"Excuse me, but boys aren't allowed in this wing." I'll give you one guess as to who that is.

"Oh don't worry Loree, I'm only a boy on the outside." He replied with a wink.

She blushed and looked at him through her lashes.

Which was confusing because she's acting like he just complimented her tits when really he told her he is a woman with a penis.

"Oh well, I mean it's fine with me but that creepy Jasper guy is about to make rounds and I would hate for you to get in trouble." She said while squeezing her boobies and incidentally her tummy together in the process.

"That's true. I guess I better head off to bed then." Jake gave a small wave to Loree before walking out the door. I followed him.

"What the hell was that?!" I whisper shouted to him.

"I can't help it if both sexes love me Bellsy. I'm sexy." He replied with a smirk. "You're still going to sneak in with Ali tonight, right?"

"Hell yes, they might try to kill me in my sleep. I won't be able to let my guard down all night. Will you walk with me? I asked.

"Nah Bellsy, you're on your own tonight. I'm dead tired. Plus I don't want a whooping from Sarge if Jasper finds us."

"Yeah right, you'd be first in line if he was offering, you little butt-slut." I replied while simultaneously giving him a titty-twister.

"What the fuck was that for?" He screeched. Again with the screeching.

"I owed it to you, don't ask questions."

"Fine, now I'm really not walking with you. Good night now!" He sang while dancing off to his wing of the lodge.

I went back to my room and searched through my bag for my flashlight and pajamies. My flashlight was fat, yellow, and had little colored screens that went over the light bulb with the push of a button. In the bathroom I brushed my teeth, threw my hair into a ridiculously high messy bun, and then changed into my jammies. Lime green short shorts and a pink tank with watermelons. Ali is going to be so jelly.

Getting in bed, I waited for the other girls to trudge in and start snoring.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000

A stick snapping in the distance had me jumping ten feet in the air before giving a tiny yelp.

My flashlight was currently on the red setting seeing as it was the dimmest but still helped me see where the hell I was going. Unfortunately it was also the scariest as fuck setting as well.

Holding my fluffy pillow to my chest I continued to walk in the woods towards the Instructor cabins. Alice had told me too look for the window that was second to last on the right.

Five minutes later, I managed to find the cabin without tripping over the oversized combat boots I was wearing. They were Jakey's. I had some minor scrapes from trees trying to grab me but that was all.

Keeping the red cover over my flashy light I shined it on the wall from about 20ft away. Once I found the second window on the right side I stealthily ran up to it.

Now I have the predicament of trying to get her to open the window without waking or disturbing anyone else.

My first course of action: knocking on said window.

_Knock knockity knock knock._

It's our secret knock shake.

After a minute, I'm about to knockity knock again when the window on the end throws open.

I quickly try to hide. Seeing as I'm out in the open my only option is to drop on the ground and play dead. With my flash light still on. _I'm dumb._

"Bella is that you?"

"Momma Esme?" I whisper. Shining the light on her window I see her along with Daddy Doc poking their heads out.

"Come here sweety, did you just fall and hurt yourself?" Carlisle asks.

I scoff at them for assuming. Even if they have every right to.

"No, I was just trying to be stealth. I didn't know who was about to pop out and I don't want to get in trouble." I reply while brushing off my bum. I should have slipped on sweats or at least a sweater before hiking out here.

I skip up to the window.

"You're trying to get into Alice's room?" Esme asks sweetly while inspecting my palms for scratches. She's so motherly it makes my throat tickle with emotion. That happens to me a lot when she's around.

"Yeah, but she's not waking up. Can you get her for me?" I ask quietly.

"Well she's on the other side of the cabin. All of the kids decided to give us the right wing so they didn't have to, and I quote, "Listen to us bang." She says.

_Shudder_.

"Momma Esme, your guys are hot and all, but I don't want to hear about that." I say with a pout. "Anyways, Alice told me she was the second to last window on the right!"

"She's always been slightly dyslexic dear, you know that."

After she speaks I hear another stick break behind me. I'm getting creeped the fuck out.

"Well, ok, I guess I should be on my merry way then. Don't tell on me, love you guys night night!"

I quickly jog to the other side of the cabin. Now I know I'm in a bit of a pickle. There is two second to last windows on this wing. I don't know if she's on the back or front side. I decide to try the back first. The odds of me waking up the one person I really don't want to are slim to none.

Just in case though, I walk up real quiet like. I know knocking on the window is out of the question given the fact that Carlisle and Esme heard me knocking on a window that wasn't even theirs.

"Alice!" I whisper and wait for a response.

I know I need to call louder but I don't want to get caught. So I go with blending in with nature… loudly.

"_Cacaw! Cacaw! Hoo-hoo. Chirp chirp. Chirp Chirp. Cacaw_!" I bird call to that bitch as well as I can. She had to have heard that!

After about another minute I get fed up with waiting in these eerie ass woods and start pounding repeatedly on the bitch's window. She knows I'm coming, and if she's in another room screwing Jasper while I'm freezing my nipples off she needs to hear me somehow.

Before I start knocking louder the window flies open and I'm standing face to chest with the bane of my existence.

My face, his chest in case you were wondering.

Sarge is not wearing a shirt and has sparsely placed chest hair that I want to lick. His bronze locks are all rumpled from sleep and his eyes, well his eyes look mighty mean right about now.

That's when the reality of the situation sets in.

I'm chilling outside of G.I. Joe's window at 11 o'clock at night after having pigeon called and pounded on it for the last two minutes.

I try to avert my eyes from his glare and form a coherent excuse as to why I'm here when something I his room catches my eye.

"Holy Shit! You have a lava lamp? That's so not fair! Did Alice put that in there? How come she didn't put one in her own room? Or did you bring it yourself?" I tore my eyes away from the awesome glowing goo to look at Sarge. I couldn't help but admire his eyes and his Privates. They were chillin' down so low his lashes were touching them. It was giving him quite the eerie look. Eerie and creepy as shit. That's when I realize I'm about to blow my first covert operation!

"Not that I would know what Ali has in her room." I quickly backtrack. "Or even where her room is for that matter. I mean, we're not even allowed over at the Instructor's cabins. Hey! Is that where I am right now? How the hell did that happen? Weird. Well, I better get back before it gets dark. Night Joe!" I take off without even giving him the chance to respond.

Gosh there were so many holes in that alibi. First of all, it's already pitch-black out, aside from my handy dandy flashlight. And there is no way he is going to think I walked all the way over here without realizing it. Oh Lordy, he's going to think I was trying to get a peek at The Major or proposition him. What's even worse is that I called him Joe! He's going to think Joe is one of my customers and not one of the many nicknames I've given his sexy self.

I'm in the process of running back the way I came when I trip over the damn pillow I left out here and land face first into the dirt. I'm pretty sure I see stars.

A pair of strong callused hands picks me up and asks if I'm ok. Well the hands don't ask, but the guy does.

"Jasper?" I question.

"Yeah it's me, what the hell are you running from you freak?" He asks and I think I detect a hint of humor in his voice.

I scowl at him before answering.

"I was supposed to find your wifey's window but Sergeant Intimidation answered instead!" I whine.

He lets out a loud yet whispered chuckle. _Tricky._

"Yeah sorry that's my fault she didn't answer. I was keeping her occupied." He replies while wiggling his eyebrows. They don't deserve a nickname.

"Alice just sent me out here to find out. Let's get your face cleaned up and into bed shall we?" He picks me up bridle style and proceeds to carry me into Ali's room where she does just that.

Were cuddled together in the same bed and I'm almost asleep when Ali speaks.

"So," She whispers. "How did you like your first day?"

**How did you guys like her first day?! I can't believe it took four whole chapters to get through an evening lol. Don't worry I don't plan on all of the days to drag out like this. We're through with the introductory and back stories. Now it's time to get to the fun, sweaty, sexy times yeah?! Reviews are the highlight of my day, so make my day baby!**


End file.
